No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
HOW DARE YOU
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?