Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.