Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
How to find Kentucky on a map
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa