Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
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doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Real House Wines.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
This makes total sense…
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it