I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
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A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING