Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
absolute chaos
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.