Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
new wife guy just dropped
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products