So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Nose
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king