Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly