me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
The French word for sex is croissant.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”