I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
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*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
it must be school picture day
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.