DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Not all heroes wear capes….
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.