doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
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God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Brilliant!
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.