Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
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I want this so bad
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.