4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?