Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
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I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Meow
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.