“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.