It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.