*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
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1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
favorite tropes as memes
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now