got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
me hooking up with my ex
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.