Almost forgotโฆ๐๐๐๐๐
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Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because youโre never gonna hit this
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
All Iโm saying is that just once itโd be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
At dinner my husband hollered, โIโm going to run off to a place where Iโm appreciated!โ
My daughter: Donโt take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Iโm sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Letโs find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My 2yo likes to โplay bedroomโ where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games sheโs come up with.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touchรฉ.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents