ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
You Might Also Like
☺️
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!