While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
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Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
(by @ZachWeiner )
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time