OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Woke up against my better judgment again
#Caturday
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop