Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
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[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.