Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!