My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
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To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
When libraries troll their patrons.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants