My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
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HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I can’t wait!
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.