Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
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Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.