Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
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Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.