IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
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I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Knock Knock
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity