I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
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At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?