Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
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What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
What about second breakfast?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
This a good idea
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
This why you should mind your business