therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???