The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
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My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
you know what ruined my childhood? children
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car