To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD