ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
That’s amazing.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.