Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
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first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.