Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
You Might Also Like
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Somebody call the cops.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.