What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
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Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out