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I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances