Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
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GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
the battle rages on
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation