I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER