I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.