[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore