“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood