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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Human are so complicated
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.