“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*