I once had a tweet go bacterial.
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.