me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
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If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
A French press is when you hug naked
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”